Tuesday, August 28, 2012

PH Anyone?

I'm sitting here in front of the computer with small fiber optic cable up my nose that shines  a red dot in the back of my throat if you look in the mirror with your mouth open.  It is supposed, by some alchemy, to measures PH...right now, it swears the PH in the back of my throat is 6.2. Who's to argue?

This contraption has a little box that has buttons you must push when you sneeze, cough, eat, take prescription drugs, sleep, burp or have heartburn. Don't know what you mash if you take recreational drugs...like Aspirin. That ain't on the paper the nurse gave me.

10:56-PH 6.4

The purpose of this test is to determine if my innards have ACID REFLUX, which is the cause of all human deficiencies,faulty plumbing and falling down stairs. I am being a good sport about all this. I only have 12 more hours to go to before I get to jerk my little fiber optic friend our of my nose. I keep forgetting to wear it's little box when I walk around the house, and it won't record if I'm more than 5 feet from the little darling.

11:02 -  PH 6.3.

I wonder if Jessie can write a script about a body's natural PH. I would also like a definitive scientific answer: Does acid reflux really causes falling down stains? My friend Doc Johnson, purveyor of the Doc Johnson Traveling Medicine Show claims to have a cure for falling down stairs, and I've never heard him say anything about falling down stairs being caused by anything in particular...but Doc can cure most everything, for just a dollar, with bottle of Doc Johnson's Wizard Water.

This contraption cost more than a dollar, and it doesn't cure anything, I guarantee you that.

11:15-PH 6.4

I've got to sleep with this thing up my nose, and it tickles, and causes my nose to run. It also creates pote nadal dwip. I'll  figure some way to sleep with this thing up my nose. Right now the computer sensor is clipped to my T shirt. I don't sleep in a T shirt, if you get my drift, and I ain't gonna' clip it on my ear, or anywhere else. I ain't one of those sadistic ear-clipping types.

Signing Out at 11:21 at PH-6.3.

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