A Giant Tale

 

A Giant’s Tale, the Fortune of Abbeyoyo

This is a tale of what happened in the small country of Bazoga many years ago. The Kowabasinga of Bazoga, the keeper of all things historical, left us this record of trying time in his country due to the presence of a hateful old puke of a giant named Abbeyoyo.

Abbeyoyo was shunned by all his relatives as being rude, crude and plain socially unattractive. If his family couldn’t stand him, no other giants wanted anything to do with him.

Abbeyoyo was 30 feet tall, had long greasy hair infested with all manner of varmints because he never washed or combed it. Buzzards circled his ugly head like flies. He had bad breath and green teeth because he never brushed them. His nose dripped because he never blew it. His hands and fingernails were dirty cause he never washed them…same with his huge nasty feet. So, as you see, Abbeyoyo had no regard for anything except himself…and no regard for physical hygiene.

The giant daily roamed the countryside creating chaos and mayhem as he went. Abbeyoyo stomped on farmer crops and tore down fences out of sheer meanness. He ate cows and sheep as he pleased. He kicked barns and houses over for fun.

Years of dealing with the uncontrollable giant afflicted people with a syndrome called “giant shakes.” Any mention of the name Abbeyoyo caused uncontrollable shaking, sobbing, and wailing.

Just Plain Bill lived and cared for his parents, both terribly afflicted with giant shakes. Bill cared for his Uncle Wally, a Wizard, who lived in a small house next door; an absent-minded scholar very distracted in academic pursuit. He was, however, a jovial character, telling wonderful stories, and Just Plain Bill spent many happy hours with Uncle Wally.

Uncle Wally translated ancient written languages, becoming expert in deciphering runes carved on the tombs of the long dead Wizards of Bazoga. He discovered the magical powers hidden in them.

The Order of Wizards bestowed Wally with Order of the Blue Robe for his work.   

Uncle Wally had an enterprising spirit. To fund his research, he used his knowledge of runes to create Uncle Wally’s Wonder Stick. He found that by carving runic figures on an ordinary stick that stick or wand, could alleviate the owner of a mundane task…washing dishes, doing laundry, answering only to the password of its owner.

Wally charged 10.95 + shipping, no COD’s please, for Wally’s Wonder Sticks. A handsome sum in that time.

You simply told Wally the task was desired, within reason, and received a stick. There was a warranty guaranteeing your Wally Stick’s spell would hold for one thousand years for an extra 2 bucks. Business was brisk.

Just Plain Bill asked, begged and cajoled Uncle Wally for a disappearing stick to hunt down Abbeyoyo and make the menace disappear and cure the giant shakes that afflicted so many citizens in Bazoga. Uncle Wally refused his nephew’s request, because Wally took the stance that stick it could be used to do harm if used improperly.

Uncle Wally watched helplessly as his family became unable to function because of their affliction. Wally, after long deliberation, presented his nephew Just Plain Bill with the disappearing stick.

Just Plain Bill loved to take long hikes in the hills around the village. One day, he left home in the cool dawn and hiked up the steepest hill to see what was on the other side. As the sun rose, he saw, lying in a field below, Abbeyoyo, fast asleep.

Just Plain Bill pulled out his Wally Stick, carved for the occasion, and crept as close to the sleeping giant as he dared and whispered his password, Abracadabra Shazam.

The results were instantaneous!

 A violent whirlwind sprang up, followed by a dense cloud of smelly orange smoke that rose high in the air and drifted away. Abbeyoyo had gone up in smoke!

News spread that the wretched giant had vanished. There were no reports of Abbeyoyo sighting for a week. His countrymen began to breath a giant sigh of relief.

His parents lost the Giant Shakes in a couple of weeks

 Just Plain Bill was happy, but happiness comes with unintended consequences; he had become a hero. He disliked the fuss and acolades. The Kowabazinga of Bazoga wrote in a book in the Great Library of Bazoga that a simple lad, Just Plain Bill had vanquished the evil hateful puke of a giant, Abbeyoyo, for a thousand years.

A story, or saga was composed to commemorate Just Plain Bill’s heroic deed. (to be sung in any minor key to any melody that fits the meter.)

There was a man called Just Plain Bill. Who walked one morn to the top of a hill.

 Bill looked down in the valley below and saw the sleeping giant Abbeyoyo.

 With his Wally Stick no giant Bill feared, with a mighty flash Abbeyoyo disappeared.

The people danced, feasted, and sang, Abbeyoyo was gone and never seen again.

Over centuries a Cautionary Tale survived the Abbeyoyo story. The threat of Giant Shakes and Abbeyoyo were duly administered by parents and grandparents to disobedient children. Most children rolled their eyes laughed saying, “Yeah, right. Abbeyoyo who?”

Here’s the Rest of the Story…remember the stick had a thousand-year guarantee. Hmmm!

Although Bazoga is no longer a named country, its territory made up a small portion of the present country in which lived two pre teenaged boys with dreams.

The first dreamed of playing mandolin just like Bill Monroe. His parents bought him a secondhand beginners instrument. That mandolin had trouble teaching its pupil from the beginning.

 Mando Boy couldn’t make sense of the 8 strings and 12 frets. But as a luddite, he picked, plucked, plinked, and played on his mandolin every spare moment. He was determined to pry something intelligible out of the sound hole. His parents offered lessons. Even his instructor gave up on him.

Our Mando Boy was a junk store junkie looking for old comic books. He found an old mandolin instruction book rummaging through a pile of magazines. It showed him where to put his finger on the fret with black dots. The book came with a cassette tape with some simple play-a-long tunes.

Mando boy learned three chords in the Key of G in one afternoon! His head swelled in size! Now he could play chords.

Using these simple chords he hummed a little la de da da tune. He enthusiastically took the mandolin all over town and serenaded everyone, invited or not, with three chords and La De Da, La De Da Da, La De Da Da, LA De DA Da.

Our next young man strived to be a World Class Magician. He had only mastered a now you see, it now you don’t trick with a quarter. He loved to have things disappear! His friend, Mando Boy mastered the quarter trick in 10 minutes. Bummer.

 Magic Boy tried to find a teacher but found no magician wants to share the tricks of his trade with others. Magic Boy was on his own to pursue his dream best he could. All he could practice was what he found in books. Boring.

Magic Boy went to his grandfather’s house after school each day until his parents got off work. Grandpa napped every afternoon, leaving the boy in his own custody.

Bored, he began poking around in the old stuff in the grandpa’s attic. Under a pile of ole curtains, he came on a little trunk carved with strange characters. Magic Boy examined the small trunk each day looking for a way to open it.

 

 After weeks of feeling, rubbing and looking, he found that there were two small blanks in the carvings that just fit his first and second fingers of each hand. He placed his fingers in the four blank spots, and CLICK, the top sprang open.

 Once opened, he found a threadbare, moth-eaten blue robe, a small book with funny signs written in it and a small wooden tube holding a plain ole wooden stick. What was that about, he wondered?

He slid the stick out of its tube and felt an immediate buzzing sensation; startled, he dropped it, only to have the stick bounce right back into his hand. He felt it was it was trying to tell him something. He closed the box, taking the stick home with him. He marveled at the carvings and wondered what they were. He felt the stick was talking to him. The stick had a gentle vibration like a cat purring when he held it. His world seemed better with his new stick friend.

Magic Boy and Mando Boy were classmates. Both had comic book collections and loved sharing/trading comic books. Magic boy traded Mando boy a comic book about a kid from outer space, who by saying the word SHAZAM, would turn into a superhero named Captain Marvel.

That word hit Magic boy like a thunderbolt. After school he took the stick to the park, and whispered SHAZAM. A stream of red smoke dribbled out of the end of the stick. He repeated SHAZAM, a puff of smoke. Nothing else did the stick say.

The English teacher gave a class assignment for a book report on Tales of the Arabian Nights. Magic boy found it a fun read. A magician in one of the stories shouted Abracadabra! to create a spell.

Magic boy tried it next day, ABRACADABRA, and to his surprise, yellow smoke came from the tip of the wand.

He told Mando boy the news. Mando boy immediately said, “DUH” bro, try em both at the same time, and see what happens.” 

Back in the park after school, Magic Boy whispered ABRACADABRA SHAZAM and lo and behold, best beloved, streak of orange fire came out of the stick and an old tree just up and disappeared! Everybody knows that red and yellow make orange! The secret of the stick was revealed.

Unfortunately, it was the beginning of trouble and the end of the fun for both boys. Magic Boy became a nuisance making things disappear, practicing on parking meters, park benches and once, by mistake a statue of some old man that was a landmark in the town square. Mando boy was frequently ticketed for busking without a license. The mayor and council banished the boys from town. School and home, that was it. They had done it to themselves was their consensus of the local Board of Commissioners

 Remember Plain Old Bill? Magic Boy’s grandfather was a direct descendant of Plain Old Bill and Uncle Wally. That’s where the little chest came from, passed down through generations until no one in the family could recall its history; it just was passed on to the next generation. Who knows if anyone other than Magic Boy had tried to open it.

 Uncle Wally’s warranty had held Abbeyoyo prisoner for one thousand years. The Abbeyoyo sentence would expire on this coming Sunday morning.

 

Friday, Day 363

Magic Boy’s grandfather had a fishing cabin on a lake a few miles out of town. He gave them permission to use it. On that Friday after school, the two took their bikes and headed for the cabin for the weekend. They grilled and devoured 3 hamburgers as proper for growing boys, and a quart of Mountain Dew washed down half gallon of Moose Tracks ice cream.

Saturday, Day 364

The boys fished from the dock, swam, and rode to the old mill, hoping to catch a water snake. More burgers and bed!

Sunday, Day 365

Screaming. Honking, and Holy Pandemonium, Bat Man!

 Mando Boy awoke to sirens. He ran to the porch hearing faint cries of Giant, it’s a Giant! Run for your lives. Cars were bumper to bumper leaving town.

 Mando boy headed for the porch to see the largest, smelliest Big TOE he’d ever seen. Looking up and an even uglier site… ABBEYOYO!

 “Woo Wee, now that give ugly a bad name, shore enough” thought Mando Boy.

 Mando Boy could never explain why. He ran for his Mandolin, confronted the giant and yelled “HEY! Hey, YOU WANNA HEAR MY SONG”?

Abbeyoyo stopped his roaring and stomping and looked down at the boy.

 “SONG? WHAT BE SONG”? He picked Mando boy up by his shirt collar and peered at boy with his big blood shot giant eye. “SONG. NOW” said Abbeyoyo.

In a brilliant moment Mando boy added words to his three chords. He began singing ABBEYOYO instead of LA DE DA DA as loudly as he could.

Abbeyoyo had never heard a mandolin or a song…especially one about himself. After a minute, he put Mando Boy on the ground and the ferocious giant Abbeyoyo began singing and dancing.

 Mando boy did fancy footwork to stay alive. Abbeyoyo sang and danced till he became so out of breath he lay down to catch his breath. He was soon snoring.

Magic Boy was watching from the porch. The Uncle Wally Wonder Stick buzzed and bucked and sparked so that Magic boy had to use both hands to hold it. He wasted no time! SHAZAM ABRACADABRA. Abbeyoyo was still there! Worse, ragged pants disappeared. Not a pretty sight.

“Other way around!” shouted Mando boy.

“Abracadabra SHAZAM!” shouted Magic boy. An orange streak of fire shot toward Abbeyoyo. BOOM! a tornado appeared, pulling a smelly plume of orange smoke up and away. Abbeyoyo was not more.  Just Plain Bill’s Wally Wonder Stick had done its work again!

 Mando Boy and Magic Boy were unlikely heroes. The only reward they wanted was to be able to come to town and hang at the Mall.  No more monkey business, they promised the Commissioners.

The Abbeyoyo Song, previously the La De DA DA song topped the charts and became the official town song, sung at all civic events, rodeos, hog callings, goat roping’s and ball games.

Mando boy eventually became the mandolinist of his dreams, not a Bill Monroe clone, but adequate in his own mind. After two years of college, he was asked to manage the Music, Visual Arts, and Thespian facility in town. The Commission voted to rename it “Abbeyoyo Hall, Less We Forget”.  

 Just Plain Bill’s Wally Wonder Stick went back into the little chest, which is in the possession of its master, Magic Boy. It just followed him home from Grandpa’s house one day, chest and all. They still practice making things disappear, mostly soda cans and obnoxious roadside billboards.  

As Magic Boy puts it, “Who knows, Abbeyoyo may come back, He did it once.”

Magic Boy teaches Giant Studies, Runic languages at State College. Married with twin boys, who are as mischievous as their Daddy.

An old Bazoga Proverb discovered by Magic Boy in his studies of the little book in the chest reads

“Abbeyoyo has decreed little boys and girls be in bed by 8:00 on weeknights and 9:00 on weekends”. No argument from children OR their parents in THAT town. Abbeyoyo’s one good deed!